Don’t we all just love traffic? Not! I was on my way from Cedarburg to Pewaukee on Thursday evening at the peak of rush hour traffic. Hwy 45S seems to always become congested just after Capital Drive. This Thursday evening was no different. In order to access the 94W exit, I decided to get over into the far right lane when the slowdown began so that I wouldn’t have to fight my way over there once the traffic truly was bumper-to-bumper. I’ve gotten to a place in life where traffic jams don’t upset me like they used to. What would be the point in that? Rather, I find a way to enjoy the idle time as much as possible. This usually means I’m dancing in my seat to the music on the radio. I was enjoying a good groove to Rhianna when all of a sudden this silver Jeep Grand Cherokee with Texas license plates comes barreling up the right emergency lane….yes I said emergency lane…and cuts right in front of me. Can you believe the nerve? Oh my ego sure wanted to get into his ear. Do you think he could read my lips that formed the word “JACKASS!?” I decided my only revenge was to turn my bright lights on and leave them on until Mr. Silver Jeep Grand Cherokee from Texas rudely cut himself into the lane to the left. Well good riddance to him.
Doesn’t sound like I was very forgiving in that moment does it? I wasn’t. And I still wasn’t when I told the story to a friend the next day. But come Saturday morning, thankfully forgiveness set in. For me, forgiveness is not a way of saying I was right, you were wrong, but I’ll let it go. It’s also not a way of saying I condone what you did. For me, forgiveness is about not judging the behavior or actions of another human being. The ego likes to keep us separate by judging others as wrong or right and therefore less than or better than itself...it’s all about the separateness. The Higher Self is always aware of our Oneness. Human beings always have both and operate from one or the other at all times. By the way, I forgot to mention my drive to Pewaukee was taking me to a discussion about how do we know when we are operating from the ego or the Higher Self….oh the synchronicity, gotta love that So, how did I get to forgiveness you may be asking? Somewhere in my unconscious mind I must have been still grumbling about this person, because on Saturday morning out of the blue I had the thoughts….you don’t know why this person was driving like a lunatic. What if someone he loved was on their death bed? What if his child was in a serious accident and he was on the way to the hospital? And really Tara, you’ve never made a bonehead move in traffic? Ha! Hmmm, why am I all of a sudden feeling compassion for this guy? It didn’t really matter the why, the point was I had no idea the why of it. I just knew in that moment, the situation was an opportunity for me to practice forgiveness. I may not have practiced it right while it was happening, but getting to it even 2 days later I felt the tension flow from my body. What a beautiful feeling that was. What a gift the situation was to remind me I never know what is going on with another person so how can I possibly make a judgment about their behavior in any given moment. Thank you Mr. Silver Jeep Grand Cherokee from Texas for being my teacher.
The holidays are an especially emotionally-charged time of year. The hustle and bustle of everyone trying to find just the right gift; get to this store for that gift and that store for this gift; many are in their own little world and not aware of how they are interacting with others. Now might be a particularly good time to practice forgiveness.
Note: I have no idea if it was a man or woman driving that vehicle. I used one gender to make the story telling easier. I’m fully aware women can drive just as crazy as men.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Opening Hearts
I just finished reading an article (published in O The Oprah Magazine, August, 2010) adapted from the book “Let’s Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship” by Gail Caldwell. It describes a friendship between the author and Caroline Knapp, another writer. The article gives a glimpse into their friendship, and a snapshot into Gail’s grief after Caroline dies at the age of 42. What the article brought to me was the realization of how most of us live our lives with a guarded or even closed heart, and the friendship between these two women was a beautiful example of living with an open heart.
Gail describes their friendship as “something intangible and even spooky…that could make strangers mistake us for sisters or lovers.” Why do we often reserve such love and open-heartedness for one significant other (lover) or a family member (sister)? Seems like a silly question, when I already know the answer if fear. We fear being hurt. We fear judgment. We fear letting others in that deeply because they may not like who we really are. We fear others thinking we are gay (not that there is anything wrong with that!) if we share emotional intimacy with a same-gender friend. We fear other’s judging an emotionally intimate friendship with someone of the opposite gender as “inappropriate.” We live in a society that likes to reserve emotional intimacy for a select few, usually in a family dynamic, and even then that can be a stretch. How often do we truly reveal our hearts, hopes, desires, fears and dreams with those we say we are close to? Heck, how often do we take the time to share these things with ourselves? We seem to be a society that fears vulnerability. It seems to me we like to associate the fact that we can hug, kiss and tell someone we love them as being emotionally intimate. I believe true intimacy is revealing oneself on a deeper level, moving past the fear of judgment, and accepting others as they are...however that is revealed in any given moment…it’s giving each other a safe place to just be. This isn’t to say we reveal our deepest selves to everyone we meet…discernment is good self-care and there is often some sort of commonality that brings people together. But it is to say when we feel a special connection to another human being, let’s allow ourselves to take it a little deeper…over time so we feel safe. It is also to say in every day life, allow your heart to shine through a smile or hello to a stranger on the street, the person who held the door open for you, or the server who just brought you a meal. You never know how your openness will help another.
I have no idea if these two women lived their entire lives with an open heart, or if it was something just between them, but what a beautiful example this friendship is.
Gail describes their friendship as “something intangible and even spooky…that could make strangers mistake us for sisters or lovers.” Why do we often reserve such love and open-heartedness for one significant other (lover) or a family member (sister)? Seems like a silly question, when I already know the answer if fear. We fear being hurt. We fear judgment. We fear letting others in that deeply because they may not like who we really are. We fear others thinking we are gay (not that there is anything wrong with that!) if we share emotional intimacy with a same-gender friend. We fear other’s judging an emotionally intimate friendship with someone of the opposite gender as “inappropriate.” We live in a society that likes to reserve emotional intimacy for a select few, usually in a family dynamic, and even then that can be a stretch. How often do we truly reveal our hearts, hopes, desires, fears and dreams with those we say we are close to? Heck, how often do we take the time to share these things with ourselves? We seem to be a society that fears vulnerability. It seems to me we like to associate the fact that we can hug, kiss and tell someone we love them as being emotionally intimate. I believe true intimacy is revealing oneself on a deeper level, moving past the fear of judgment, and accepting others as they are...however that is revealed in any given moment…it’s giving each other a safe place to just be. This isn’t to say we reveal our deepest selves to everyone we meet…discernment is good self-care and there is often some sort of commonality that brings people together. But it is to say when we feel a special connection to another human being, let’s allow ourselves to take it a little deeper…over time so we feel safe. It is also to say in every day life, allow your heart to shine through a smile or hello to a stranger on the street, the person who held the door open for you, or the server who just brought you a meal. You never know how your openness will help another.
I have no idea if these two women lived their entire lives with an open heart, or if it was something just between them, but what a beautiful example this friendship is.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Expectations
Our lives are full of expectations from other people. Our bosses expect us to perform at work. When we are young our parents expect us to behave. Our teachers and parents expect us to get good grades, or at least passing grades. Our friends and family expect us to be loving and supportive. The government expects us to pay our taxes. The police expect us to obey the laws. I’m not judging these expectations as good or bad, some are necessary in order to coexist in this society. However, I’m beginning to see how many of our expectations of others are born out of fear and are really another way of trying to control another person.
In a love relationship we put the expectation on our partner to be faithful and never leave us. Do we really want someone to stay with us just because we expect them to? Isn’t it better to allow them the freedom to choose to be with us?
What about expectations of friends….when we expect our friends to support us or “be there” for us in the way we think they should be we are telling them how to be a friend, rather than letting them be the kind of friend they truly are. Isn’t this trying to control who they are?
Parenting…this one is near and dear to my heart. For years I had an expectation of how my mother should be…she has yet to live up to that expectation. Who am I to say what kind of mother she should be? Where did I get my idea of how a mother should be? Likely society or watching some idealized TV show. Obviously as a child, one doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand this, but as an adult I sure to. I wasted a lot of years angry my mother wasn’t the way I expected her to be, rather than appreciate the ways she did express her love.
Children…we put expectations on them for good behavior and so many other things. Whose definition of “good behavior” do we use? How often do we tell children not to say this or that, or do this or that because we think “society” won’t accept it? We expect them to live as our society dictates…but who says our society is right? I think so often we trample a little bit of a child’s spirits when we tell them what they think, say or do is wrong.
I’m in no way saying we can or should have a society of no expectations. I’m simply asking next time you have any kind of expectation of another, ask yourself why. If you find it’s because you want to control that person in some way, I ask that you consider allowing them to be just as they are. This can be difficult because we have a lot of fears about letting others are who they are and express themselves as they wish. It’s a good opportunity to look at your own fears about life.
In a love relationship we put the expectation on our partner to be faithful and never leave us. Do we really want someone to stay with us just because we expect them to? Isn’t it better to allow them the freedom to choose to be with us?
What about expectations of friends….when we expect our friends to support us or “be there” for us in the way we think they should be we are telling them how to be a friend, rather than letting them be the kind of friend they truly are. Isn’t this trying to control who they are?
Parenting…this one is near and dear to my heart. For years I had an expectation of how my mother should be…she has yet to live up to that expectation. Who am I to say what kind of mother she should be? Where did I get my idea of how a mother should be? Likely society or watching some idealized TV show. Obviously as a child, one doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand this, but as an adult I sure to. I wasted a lot of years angry my mother wasn’t the way I expected her to be, rather than appreciate the ways she did express her love.
Children…we put expectations on them for good behavior and so many other things. Whose definition of “good behavior” do we use? How often do we tell children not to say this or that, or do this or that because we think “society” won’t accept it? We expect them to live as our society dictates…but who says our society is right? I think so often we trample a little bit of a child’s spirits when we tell them what they think, say or do is wrong.
I’m in no way saying we can or should have a society of no expectations. I’m simply asking next time you have any kind of expectation of another, ask yourself why. If you find it’s because you want to control that person in some way, I ask that you consider allowing them to be just as they are. This can be difficult because we have a lot of fears about letting others are who they are and express themselves as they wish. It’s a good opportunity to look at your own fears about life.
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