Expectations

Our lives are full of expectations from other people. Our bosses expect us to perform at work. When we are young our parents expect us to behave. Our teachers and parents expect us to get good grades, or at least passing grades. Our friends and family expect us to be loving and supportive. The government expects us to pay our taxes. The police expect us to obey the laws. I’m not judging these expectations as good or bad, some are necessary in order to coexist in this society. However, I’m beginning to see how many of our expectations of others are born out of fear and are really another way of trying to control another person.

In a love relationship we put the expectation on our partner to be faithful and never leave us. Do we really want someone to stay with us just because we expect them to? Isn’t it better to allow them the freedom to choose to be with us?

What about expectations of friends….when we expect our friends to support us or “be there” for us in the way we think they should be we are telling them how to be a friend, rather than letting them be the kind of friend they truly are. Isn’t this trying to control who they are?

Parenting…this one is near and dear to my heart. For years I had an expectation of how my mother should be…she has yet to live up to that expectation. Who am I to say what kind of mother she should be? Where did I get my idea of how a mother should be? Likely society or watching some idealized TV show. Obviously as a child, one doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand this, but as an adult I sure to. I wasted a lot of years angry my mother wasn’t the way I expected her to be, rather than appreciate the ways she did express her love.

Children…we put expectations on them for good behavior and so many other things. Whose definition of “good behavior” do we use? How often do we tell children not to say this or that, or do this or that because we think “society” won’t accept it? We expect them to live as our society dictates…but who says our society is right? I think so often we trample a little bit of a child’s spirits when we tell them what they think, say or do is wrong.

I’m in no way saying we can or should have a society of no expectations. I’m simply asking next time you have any kind of expectation of another, ask yourself why. If you find it’s because you want to control that person in some way, I ask that you consider allowing them to be just as they are. This can be difficult because we have a lot of fears about letting others are who they are and express themselves as they wish. It’s a good opportunity to look at your own fears about life.